Reply letter from Dominic

Full disclosure, I’ve racked my brain trying hard to imagine what my son Dominic would say to me in reply to my letter to him. I simply only know him as an innocent, helpless newborn. The only communication I ever had with him was nothing more than barely voluntary chemical reactions, some based on emotion, such as coos, cries and smiles. I have no clue what my son would be or look like. I could never justify knowing or imagining what he would be like as it simply wouldn’t be my son and only my imagination. 

Dominic did leave one, infallible gift behind for me, a definition of love the likes of which I’ve never known. Dominic and my sister both were beacons to me and so, I whole-heartedly hope that a letter typed by my late sister, Pearlz, with Dominic right by her side, from both of them will suffice as I believe they both would share a kindredly similar message.

Dear Dad / Hey Bro,

One day at a time please. As you know, this is not the end. The fact of our existence doesn’t change because of our passing. Please take the time to nurture what we left in your heart. Nurture love and let it be your guide, your compass in finding your way through the crushing waves of grief. Wouldn’t life be so much sweeter with an escape from the pain? What in your lifetime, dad/brother, has ever tasted finer than such love for another? We know how deep and dark the oceans of grief are. However, you dad, can overcome any crushing blows and obstacles trying to stop you from something you truly want, from what you know you need. Spirituality aside, you know the indigenous interpretation of the two wolves inside you. You know which are the two wolves in you and now, which one to feed. 

Dad, I know there are a million unanswered questions and as many unfair times in our lives. Even as a newborn! Trust me, coming into this world in itself, is quite the rough ride. 

Life is… no, life is not always what you make of it, but it cannot have good times without hard ones. Make the good moments what matter most. Make those you love, matter most. Make what makes you and your loved ones happiest matter most. What else is life, if we don’t cherish what we can from it? What is your life, without love? Focus on the love inspired from us, your loved ones, and enjoy that most blissful high you get from equally sharing that love with another while you yet live. 

Love you always, no matter what.

Dominic and Pearlz.

A recently written letter to Dominic. (Warning: highly emotional content. Spoiler alert: There's a soothing reply following, please follow through and read the reply if you intend to read this, thanks.)

My Dear Dominic,

Life happens… and there’s not a thing I can do to change that…

I think of you everyday and yet, every time I try to write to or about you, I freeze and drown in the despair of the reality that you’re gone. You would be my 11 year old rock, my whole purpose in life, only strengthened by the addition of your little brother. But…

Life happens… and there’s not a thing I can do to change that…

Instead, you were born from a man who had hit rock bottom several times over (or so he thought) and had picked himself up. The instant I held you, you unlocked what it had all been for out of me; my heart felt true love. You took and held everything precious to me, you were all I needed and I had sworn my entire life to your health and happiness that very moment I held you. For twelve weeks I defied all odds while you did what you always did best and just shone bright to the world. In 12 weeks you brought so many people together and flooded the place with joy and love. We were unstoppable together. Then…

Life happens… and there’s not a thing I can do to change that…

The morning that has haunted me day and night for the past 4,058 days and nights and will continue to do so. 

How many times do we ever recall things completely beyond our control that wouldn’t happen in a million years to anyone as ever being a miraculous gift rather than a sudden hellish nightmare. How many do we ever know or meet who suddenly are cured of the incurable or better yet, who return from the dead?! Now, welcome 2021, but thinking back to decade before Covid and isolation and near-insanity, how many of us, especially as of 2021, can relate to knowing of or experiencing great loss, trauma or death even? 

That sick feeling in my gut. The moment I saw you. The gut wrenching cold touch of death on your skin that sent everything in my world spiraling out of control. The impossible. It wasn’t supposed to happen this way. It couldn’t be happening. The morning you passed away. The morning I died. 

Life happens… and there’s not a thing I can do to change that…

Strangely, I am and will likely always be at a loss of any possible explanation as to what drove me to live after you passed before your brother arrived. Such a tremendous and important part of me died with you that day. The only part I ever felt sure about. Ever. 

Your brother has never sparked that life in me and I loathe myself everyday for lacking that soul-deep natural bond you and I shared. We shared our pain and joy and everything. Losing you cut that out of me and left me only with the pain and rage of losing faith in everything because life happens… I loathe life and yet need to somehow convince your struggling little brother to love life. I somehow need to convince him life is worth enjoying despite the world being filled with nothing but pain, hate, hardships and death. Despite love never being something we get to hold. Despite life not caring about one’s purpose, resilience or endeavors nor their heart. I hear the voice of your aunt, my late baby sister, saying “Life is for living, the rest isn’t worth it. Love yourself and others and be at peace…” all that focussing on things we can never truly have or keep because…

Life happens… and there’s not a thing I can do to change that…

Losing you devastated me beyond words Dominic. I’ve been left so broken I’m still heavily under reconstruction, still trying to find pieces to put together with little vision of what I hope to get out of life, seeming impossible without you. At least seeming impossible to be happy and whole ever again. You were my compass and guide, my unlimited fuel and strength. Now I lack all these elements and am left drowning without a foundation or guidance, suffering daily from your lack of existence beyond fading nightmarish memories to watching your little brother struggle with being born to be different his whole life in a world of crushing conformity that fuels hatred towards those of us who are different, and again, my inability to ease his suffering because…

Life happens… and there’s not a thing I can do to change that…

Miss you everyday my dear son. Please forgive your father. I am broken without you. Nothing but an empty shell forced to live through hell for love yet filled with the crippling, unstoppable spread of pain and death.

I would love to see you again sooner than later but life doesn’t indulge in love. See you when I see you little man. Will still talk to you everyday as always.

Love you always,

Dad

Never forgotten...

Hi all, I'm sorry that this blog hasn't been updated in ages... I'll do my best to finish copying the rest of the info from FB up to date for everyone. Not a day goes by that I don't think of Dominic. Those of you who follow my personal blog should especially know that. Feel free to remind me if I stray from here for too long. Thanks

September 2, 2011

Ann : Is thinkin about u today little man..... miss u soo much.... i still often find myself crying at the loss of u but i know that ur watching over all who love u and miss u oh so much :-( looking at ur picture every day brings back all the smiling faces that u used to make at me and how u used to love to snuggle into my neck to sleep.... i love u little man and miss u bunches :-( rest in peace baby boy....

August 16, When Gerry Realizes That Comments Are Disappearing From The Facebook Page

Gerry : Am I the only one who can't see any of the comments on any of the less recent pics?! Had dozens of pics with comment threads on them and I can't find a single one! :(

Marc : only one I see with comments is the one with the sketch

Phoebe : i'm not sure which pics you are refering to, but maybe you can link through to them from your notifications???

Sue : I can see all the comments right back to the beginning..perhaps it was just a FB glitch...can you see them now?

Gerry : Phoebe, I can't see any of comments on the pics older than a month or so... Example all mine n AnnMarie's pics from March til June that we posted: a lot of them had threads of comments n I can't see any of them...
Sue, can't understand why you can see them all and I can't :(

Sara : Facebook has been messing up... So it will probably come back in time because I was having the same problem with an event I have and I know someone else also that was having problems with not seeing somethings or it was saying that there was way more ppl that where invited then there was... Give it time hun and I am sure it will fix :)

Phoebe : oh you're right, I don't see comments either, I hope that its just a FB glitch too.

Sue : OK I went right back to April 1 2010 a post from Angela Marie and there are many comments there...earlier than that it's mainly me posts of messages from my friends which don't have comments, all the posts after Angela's have comments..can you see them? Otherwise I will copy and paste them for you xxx

Gerry : I can't see any of them, except for the newest pics... Really hopin its a glitch that will get fixed soon

Phoebe : Just checked today, and can't see comments still. Is there a way to contact facebook and see if they can fix it?

Gerry :Sent FB an email... Keep you posted on results/response.

 

August 10, 2011

Elizabeth : Hey, I recently started a thread in a fertility (or lack of it) forum, it was called the Worst Comment Award & had a bit of a "vent here" theme (you know how people say the dumbest things in an effort to console you) and I got an interesting reply that I thought I would share.

It was from a woman who, after miscarriages and years of unsuccessful treatment and failed IVF - nearly $10 000 a cycle - she finally conceived...

She miscarried last week at 3wks...
...
Family & friends weren't as supportive as you would hope.
Worst Comment Award went to Mum & this woman's twin brother which included "At least you know you can get pregnany now" and "If it wasn't for the IVF you wouldn't have even known that you were pregnant" (because it was so early...wth is wrong with some people? Grrr...)

Then she had a comment from a stranger that took her by surprise, it may or may not fall into the Worst Comment Award category but I found it a comforting thought.

He said to her...

"It's not the body that matters, it's the soul...Maybe something wasn't quite right, maybe something with you wasn't *just* perfect, maybe he didn't like his nose...

It's just a matter of finding the right vessel at the right time...he'll come when he's ready..."

Sooo...be honest...does the Worst Comment Award go to me today or is that a nice thought?

Oh god, I am SO gunna win this Award, aren't I?! Sorry!

Gerry : Can you pls send me a link to that forum?

August 3, 2011

Gerry : Here's a sketch of the grave marker for our little man... Should be installed sometime autumn... will keep you posted.

Renee : Beautiful, Gerry! How are you doing? I didn't realize that Dominic and I shared the same birthday...

Ann : LOVE it..... Rest in peace my little prince :-( Auntie misses u more and more as the days go by :-(

Gerry : I'm hanging in Renee, taking it day by day. Thanks.

Renee : Love you, Cuz!

Shawna : I love it hun

Phoebe : looks good!

Nathaniel : Yeap looks good, gonna pitch in for that baby monitor.

Susan : very nice Gerry god bless his soul .. may he rest in peace oxxo.