My Dear Dominic,
Life happens… and there’s not a thing I can do to change that…
I think of you everyday and yet, every time I try to write to or about you, I freeze and drown in the despair of the reality that you’re gone. You would be my 11 year old rock, my whole purpose in life, only strengthened by the addition of your little brother. But…
Life happens… and there’s not a thing I can do to change that…
Instead, you were born from a man who had hit rock bottom several times over (or so he thought) and had picked himself up. The instant I held you, you unlocked what it had all been for out of me; my heart felt true love. You took and held everything precious to me, you were all I needed and I had sworn my entire life to your health and happiness that very moment I held you. For twelve weeks I defied all odds while you did what you always did best and just shone bright to the world. In 12 weeks you brought so many people together and flooded the place with joy and love. We were unstoppable together. Then…
Life happens… and there’s not a thing I can do to change that…
The morning that has haunted me day and night for the past 4,058 days and nights and will continue to do so.
How many times do we ever recall things completely beyond our control that wouldn’t happen in a million years to anyone as ever being a miraculous gift rather than a sudden hellish nightmare. How many do we ever know or meet who suddenly are cured of the incurable or better yet, who return from the dead?! Now, welcome 2021, but thinking back to decade before Covid and isolation and near-insanity, how many of us, especially as of 2021, can relate to knowing of or experiencing great loss, trauma or death even?
That sick feeling in my gut. The moment I saw you. The gut wrenching cold touch of death on your skin that sent everything in my world spiraling out of control. The impossible. It wasn’t supposed to happen this way. It couldn’t be happening. The morning you passed away. The morning I died.
Life happens… and there’s not a thing I can do to change that…
Strangely, I am and will likely always be at a loss of any possible explanation as to what drove me to live after you passed before your brother arrived. Such a tremendous and important part of me died with you that day. The only part I ever felt sure about. Ever.
Your brother has never sparked that life in me and I loathe myself everyday for lacking that soul-deep natural bond you and I shared. We shared our pain and joy and everything. Losing you cut that out of me and left me only with the pain and rage of losing faith in everything because life happens… I loathe life and yet need to somehow convince your struggling little brother to love life. I somehow need to convince him life is worth enjoying despite the world being filled with nothing but pain, hate, hardships and death. Despite love never being something we get to hold. Despite life not caring about one’s purpose, resilience or endeavors nor their heart. I hear the voice of your aunt, my late baby sister, saying “Life is for living, the rest isn’t worth it. Love yourself and others and be at peace…” all that focussing on things we can never truly have or keep because…
Life happens… and there’s not a thing I can do to change that…
Losing you devastated me beyond words Dominic. I’ve been left so broken I’m still heavily under reconstruction, still trying to find pieces to put together with little vision of what I hope to get out of life, seeming impossible without you. At least seeming impossible to be happy and whole ever again. You were my compass and guide, my unlimited fuel and strength. Now I lack all these elements and am left drowning without a foundation or guidance, suffering daily from your lack of existence beyond fading nightmarish memories to watching your little brother struggle with being born to be different his whole life in a world of crushing conformity that fuels hatred towards those of us who are different, and again, my inability to ease his suffering because…
Life happens… and there’s not a thing I can do to change that…
Miss you everyday my dear son. Please forgive your father. I am broken without you. Nothing but an empty shell forced to live through hell for love yet filled with the crippling, unstoppable spread of pain and death.
I would love to see you again sooner than later but life doesn’t indulge in love. See you when I see you little man. Will still talk to you everyday as always.
Love you always,
Dad
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