Thursday, 1 December 2011

June 2, 7 and 26, 2011

Elizabeth(on hearing Shawna is expecting) : And while everyone else is celebrating new life (which they should it IS great news)...I wanna give a shout out to Gerry on this day...thinking of ya =)

Gerry : Well, you have a brother/sister/maybe both (talk of twins) on the way... It scares the crap out of me! I held you're newborn cousin on Sat n I'd panic internally every time I couldn't hear him breathing or couldn't see him moving while he slept on me :( That short experience as only a small preview of the panic I'll be going thru each n everyday that you're upcoming sibling will be around... I also share Shawna's anxiety of another miscarriage n that only raises the stress level even higher. I know that should I lose this one too, you'd be there there to take care of them as you are with the last little soul that Shawna miscarried, but your Daddy, first the first time in his life, has never been so unsure if he has the strength to handle losing another one! :( I'm a wreck as it is; I've ne...ver been so messed up n such a basket case in my life! I'm to the point where nearly anything puts me over the edge on a nearly daily basis and ruins the rest of my day, sometimes even the next few days. The fear, pain, pessimism, frustration and anger I go through each n every single day only amplifies my resentment of my current life! I'd come to be proud of the strength of character, the seemingly infinite willpower and the immense tolerance I had for everything life threw at me. Nowadays I can barely keep a grip of my own thoughts, much less shrug off anything that people or circumstances throw at me... Now, to amplify the severity of this chaos, I know I have to get my shit together since I have your brother/sister on the way. But I CAN'T!!! I can't get a grip of myself and no matter what friends and family tell me, I can't stop being so pessimistic! I wear myself out nearly everyday just trying to make it thru the day! My tolerance and self-control a waning more and more by the day! I find myself blurting out my often to honest and/or blunt opinions to people without hesitation or consideration of their feelings. For example, someone who knows little of me told me to cheer up n that I had no reason not to be in a good mood, to which i simply stared them down with a thousand yard stare while they were telling me this n without any hesitation told them "If you don't like it, then get out of my face n stay away!" I would've never in my life been so rude and what's worse is I have no remorse for telling them that!

Renee : Congratulations, Gerry, if I understand correctly that you and your wife are expecting... ♥ You have every right to be scared to death, to feel how you feel all kinds of emotions tumbling out day after day. I truly believe that everything with this baby will be alright and that you will be alright. Here if you need me. Love from your cousin on Staten Island...

Joedon't really know what to say here and usually it's a good time to practice my motto: "When one has nothing to say shut the fuck up" but hell I love living dangerously.
Anyway all I wanted to add is we're kind of living a similar situation here not with grief and mourning but raw emotions on edge...some sort of cosmic fog of war going on and i understand your fear and pessimism the old pavlov dog story the once bitten twice shy , chat echaudé craint l'eau froide, etc one day at a time and wait and see is pretty well all we ve got some sort of old "live dog is better than a dead lion" attitude...hope and faith are getting to be words too big for me and somewhat meaningless these days like pink floyd says Quiet Desperation is the English way dunno about the French blood part now well for someone who had nothing to say guess it's enough...sobriety is so uninspiring :)

SueI guess we all feel anxious about this new life within Shawna, we'd all love to welcome he or she to our family and watch them grow. 
You have been to hell and are slowly on your way back...some days are desolate and then perhaps you realise you just laughed at something silly. As Dad says, one day at a time...perhaps even one hour, be brave and make plans for your new Babe, think of names(Sue lol), baby gear but carry on trying to enjoy the now. We love you dearly and are with you in spirit xoxoxooxoox

Gerry : Thanks all, n Sue, names are: Boy: Austin Brent (maybe Brentie) and girl: Annabella Priscilla

JoeAustin Brent Caissy? ABC? :)

Gerry ABGC lol Austin Brent Gilmore-Caissy

Renee : you two are definitely related

Nathaniel : We love you Gerry. You're in our thoughts and prayers. You've picked some very nice names for your future kids. Take care.

SueIs it feeling any easier, Love....are you both feeling happier these days? xx

GerrySue, I believe Shawna might be feelin a little less worried since the further along in the pregnancy, the less likely we are to have a repeat of a miscarriage. Unfortunately, although the chance of another miscarriage does worry me, it is not my greatest concern. I doubt my fear will dissipate anytime soon

Suesending much love on behalf of all your family and many're not alone, Mate xxxxx

Hedgewytch Briar Rose : Much love to you all on this journey. Can you access a pregnancy after stillbirth/neonatal death group? Pregnancy after loss is a whole emotional rollercoaster of it's own. Blessed be xx

Elizabeth : Don't suppose you've checked out the statistics of another miscarriage Gerry? If you're feeling morbid, then don't, but you've actually got the odds stacked in your favor which is a calming thought. A few months from now you're going to be kicking yourself for all the unnecessary worry - you know that don't you?
This link is an Aussie forum but you should check it out
Heaps of folks from all walks of life with all sorts of histories - and they are very supportive of one another, it's a home "away" from home for a lot of the Mums & Dads there...somewhere they can find people with the same background because the rest of us are only guessing what you're going through

Sue : and Shawna has two hale and hearty children already!

1982...Gerry and Phoebe with cousin Karine and their Grandma St Onge

Ann(to Dominic later in the month) : There isn't a day that passes that I dont think of u my little prince..... Auntie misses u more and more as the days go on.... I often find myself crying myself to sleep when thinking of u..... Altho I didn't know u for very long u left a very huge mark behind when u left so soon and so suddenly :-( I love u my little prince.... Until we meet again my prince.... ♥ ♥

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